Making it "Official"

A wedding ceremony is a wedding ceremony, but gay couples have the extra hurdle of, depending on which state or country they have their ceremony, it not being legally recognized. For some, this is meaningless and can be ignored. For others, like myself, it is an issue they want to address. I will leave the point of acknowledging (or not) during the ceremony the legal aspect of marriage to another post. For now, here are some ideas on making your wedding ceremony "official."

1. Have an officiant.

Your wedding can be (almost) anything you want--from a meditation circle with no designated leader or officiant to a church wedding with a Pastor following a traditional ceremony flow. It is most important to do what feels right to you. For me, I think having an officiant helps your community (and yourself) feel that the ceremony is official; and not that it is just another party you and your partner are hosting or a we-love-mother-earth gathering. An officiant can hold the space of a leader in your community who gives the union his/her seal. Still, remember that there is flexibility--the officiant can be a religious leader, family member, community leader, judge, friend, the list goes on and on.

2. Sign a wedding contract.

In the Jewish tradition, the couple signs a "Ketubah," a wedding contract. This is traditionally done before the actual wedding ceremony in the Rabbi's office or other room with just the couple, the Rabbi, and perhaps the couple's immediate family. However, there is no requirement to follow these traditional steps. My partner and I will likely sign our Ketubah during our wedding ceremony. The Ketubah is often seen as the couple's most significant sign of their commitment to marriage. What I think is wonderful about this tradition is that it (1) is a legally binding contract that may hold the weight of law; (2) they are absolutely gorgeous and can be framed and hung up in your home afterwards; and (3) give gay couples the opportunity to sign a marriage document much like they would if they were a straight couple. This is a tradition my partner and I will definitely be doing!

3. Sign whatever documents your place of residence and/or ceremony site allows.

It may not be a marriage license, but you can sign a domestic partnership or civil union agreement. Check with the state (usually City Hall) or country where you are having your ceremony and, if not the same place, your place of residence. The map below is from Wikipedia, so no promises it is totally correct--plus, these things seem to change constantly, but it may give you a starting point. Also, click here for HRC's sample domestic partnership agreement, but note that just because you sign it does not mean that it will be legally recognized ("valid" in legal jargon) in your state or country.

Laws regarding same-sex partnerships in the United States

  Same-sex marriage¹

  Unions granting rights similar to marriage¹

  Legislation granting limited/enumerated rights¹

  Same-sex marriages performed elsewhere recognized¹

  No specific prohibition or recognition of same-sex marriages or unions

  Statute bans same-sex marriage

  Constitution bans same-sex marriage

  Constitution bans same-sex marriage and some or all other kinds of same-sex unions

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¹May include recent laws or court decisions which have created legal recognition of same-sex relationships, but which have not entered into effect yet.

4. Have your guests confirm their support of your marriage.

This is a powerful way of having your guests exemplify their approval and support of your marriage. What matters most is your community--so why not have the people who form your community attest that, regardless of what any government says, they support your marriage? This can also allow your guests to fully recognize that you do not have the same legal benefits as straight couples. But it also empowers them to formally show their support.